Chewbacca goes for Speech Therapy
by DragonkeymasterII
Summary: Chewbacca goes for Speech Therapy on the strangest land he has ever seen
1. Chapter 1

The night was dark and gloomy. Han and Chewbacca boarded the Millenium Falcon under the cover of night so that no one could see them. This was an important mission; one that no one must know about. If anyone found out it would be most embarrassing for the two of them. This was no ordinary assignment. No. Chewbacca was going for speech therapy to cure his speech impediment.

To anyone who cannot understand Shyriiwook, Chewbacca's speech impediment is not noticeable. When Chewbacca speaks to Shyriiwook speakers, both native and otherwise, Chewbacca's pronounciations were becoming increasingly difficult to understand. He needed therapy at once! He could not afford a droid to do the talking for him. They were already severely in debt to Jabba The Hutt.

Before anyone realized the Falcon was missing, they were at top speed, zooming through the night. For the first half hour they travelled in silence. Then Chewbacca spoke.

"Graaaaah!"

Han paused for a moment trying to figure out what exactly he said. Chewbacca tried again.

"Graaaaaah!"

Han paused again. "I'm sorry Chewie I do not understand."

"Graaaaahh!" he said, becoming more and more frustrated.

Han signed. This was going to be one long spaceflight.

"Here you go Chewie!" Han reached into his pack and pulled out some food. It was dense and sticky. Chewbacca took it excitedly and tried to eat it. It was very difficult. This was intentional. His mouth would be occupied for the duration of the trip.

The Falcon landed on a secret planet where beings with embarrassing disorders always go for help. The two stepped off into a sea of madness. All around them everyone had some disorder or disability. Some of them were invisible to the naked eye. Some of them were behavioural. Some of them were physical. Whatever they were, it was the weirdest band of misfits in the galaxy. Here Chewbacca would begin his long and perilous quest for a clear voice.


	2. Chapter 2

Chewbacca and Han found the long line-up of registerees. At the very front several droids were asking questions and filling out information sheets on computers. It was quite a sight. While waiting several of them became anxious. One young alien began to stare at the two of them. Chewbacca noticed and began to stare back. The alien ran up to him, kept staring, and ran away. Had Han not been there, Chewbacca might have killed the young one. Then something even more peculiar happened. Through the crowd of people, Chewbacca caught sight of a pack of Wookies. Immediately his anxiety level began to rise. What if they noticed him? He would be forced to speak to them and it would not be very much fun to reveal his problem. But he had to wonder why there were there. Maybe they all had rotted teeth and couldn't satisfy their Wookie appetite.

They came to the front of the line. A tall slender droid looked at them, and spoke through a slot in his head: "Good evening gentlemen. What are you here for?"

"Hrrraaaaah!"

"Ah yes. Wookie speech therapy. The linguistics center is right down the main street oh the right side. Let me just check you in. Your name?"

"Raaaa-" but Han interrupted: "His name is Chewbacca."

"Ah yes!" The droid replied. "Chewbacca! Your class is at… it's at… oh I know I have the date in here somewhere."

The droid searched for about 30 seconds, which is a very long time for one such droid. Then he shook his head.

"I'm sorry Mr Solo and Mr Chewbacca, but the next such class that you will need is not for two weeks."

"Two Weeks?" "RAAAAGHE!" "He can't wait two weeks!"

The droid looked at him, mortified. "Well I can hear that Mr Chewbacca's problem is severe, but I unfortunately cannot do anything to hurry it along except direct you to the central library. There you will be able to get a head start on your reading."

"Reading? Chewbacca can't read. He's a wookie!" They were both becoming frustrated.

"Well we have classes for that too-"

Chewbacca had had enough. He reached out with his arm and smacked the droid in the head, which popped off from the force, though still alive. The two heroes walked away. Their situation was looking increasingly grim. Without the ability to speak, there was no way Chewbacca could suck up to Jabba the Hutt for his share of the debts. And these debts were due in three weeks. With the two week waiting period, there would only be one week to take the course. And he would have no time to re-take it should he fail.

"Well Chewie, looks like we've got our work cut out for us."

"Hraaagh" he quietly agreed.


	3. Chapter 3

The two sat down at a bar and each took a drink from the bartender. They had checked their weapons at the door, so any confrontation would be decided by brute force alone and nobody had more brute force than Chewbacca, except maybe the retired Hevy serving as a bouncer. It was just as strange inside as it was outside. Everyone had challenges in life. Except Han. Han felt most out-of-place in such an environment. For the first time ever, he was the most normal person in the room.

The bartender came up to them and asked them what they wanted to drink.

"The special for me please." Han needed a drink badly.

"Raaghah" said Chewbacca. The bartender was puzzled.

"Raaghaah" he tried again. The bartender still could not understand.

"My friend here wants some uncooked steak."

The bartender left quickly and came back with their order. Chewbacca tore into his food like he had never eaten before in his life. Han sipped his drink, which tasted suspiciously of battery acid, and thought.

"Chewbacca, maybe this speech therapy isn't necessary."

"Raah?"

"Well look over there at those droids."

There were several droids, delivering drinks and messages to various patrons.

"We could kidnap one and use it to speak for you. What do you say about that, eh?"

"Haargh."

"Well alright I'll give it a try."

Han downed his drink and looked towards, the stars. He readied himself to face his destiny!


	4. Chapter 4

The two huddled close together. They had a plan; a most devious one. With their track record, it was certain to work. In terms of difficulty, it was somewhere between Han getting captured by the Tuscan Raiders and spending Life Day with Chewbacca's family. Possible, yet tricky.

Chewbacca had a most Chewbacca-like role. Distract everyone in the vicinity by being obnoxious. Han would take a sack and kidnap one of the droids. Then they would turn it into Chewbacca's helper droid so it could speak for him.

Together they selected the perfect target: a silver droid who was smoking by a back exit. Had he been human, he would have been an old man. No droid would ever leave a smoke to get involved in a commotion.

Han left the bar and went to the outside of the window. From there he could see both inside the bar and his droid victim. He gave Chewie the thumbs up and they started their operation.

Chewbacca walked seemingly carelessly towards the bar, knocking over droids and patrons and tables alike. All of the fallen raised themselves as others took turns to shout at Chewbacca, mostly in languages he could not understand. No one dared to touch him or physically try to stop him, except two: the retired Hevys. They heard the commotion and immediately came stomping out of their corner which they had been programmed to do. They had no guns but that doesn't mean they were ineffective. As they approached Chewbacca he ran around the bar in circles, knocking over tables and chairs, beating his chest and howling in his usually Wookie-style. The Hevys chased, as all of the patrons and other droids tried to scramble out of the way of the maelstrom. It worked. Every single patron and employee was occupied for the time being.

Han didn't have time to enjoy the show. He did not know how much time he would have, and immediately began his approach. His victim was still standing by the door, smoking. Han crept closer and closer, he was almost there…

"What's going on in there?"

Han froze, startled. Had he been caught?

"Oh" the droid said, casually. "It's just a group of local youths, most likely being evicted from the premises for under-aged consumption. How rude of them!"

Han breathed a silent sigh of relief. He stepped closed her was almost there.

"Good evening sir! Would you like to join me for a –"

He could not finish. Han jammed the sack down over the droid's and closed it by the drawstring. His feet were still poking out the bottom, but hopefully no one would notice it. He took his blaster and fired once into the air. That was Chewbacca's signal to leave. With a CRASH! he tore through the wall of the bar and as instructed slung the droid in a bag over his shoulder and the two ran off into the night, with Hevys and bar staff alike chasing after them.


	5. Chapter 5

Success! The two of them ran down the main avenue towards the woods at the edge of town. They lost the Hevys fairly quickly. They are slow and could not keep up with running humans and wookies. The others decided not to chase as they had just seen what Chewbacca had done to the poor wall. Normally this would have attracted a lot of attention but not on this planet! After the wild romp they reached the forest and collapsed, panting.

By this time the droid had come to be aware of what had happened. He had heard all of the commotion but he had also heard the two of them speak and knew their specie and home planet.

"Well Chewie" Han panted "Open up the bag."

"Graaaagh."

"Well be careful then. We stole him once and we can steal him again."

"Raargh." Chewbacca agreed and carefully undid the drawstrings.

The droid poked his head out. He seemed non-threatening, so the two let their guard down. Instantly, the droid sensed their relaxation and became friendly.

"Good evening gentlemen. I am H1N1. I am a culinary robot. My speciality is preparing fresh pork and poultry for organic beings to eat."

"Fresh? How fresh are we talking?"

"Straight from the farm is what I most desire!" H1N1 answered with pride. "I am the greatest cause of chicken and pig death on this planet, oh yes I am."

"Well that's great, piggy, but we need you for something else. What else can you do?" 

"Oh. Well I can do this!"

The droid did a hand stand. The two of them were not impressed.

"Hrrrragh!"

The droid heard Chewbacca's sudden outburst and was puzzled. It was as if he had spoken an alien language, but all droids know every language.

"I am sorry, but could you repeat that?"

"Hrrraagh!" Chewbacca tried again.

"Oh my! It appears you have a speech impediment!"

"Well Pighead that's what we kidnapped you for. We need you to listen carefully to everything he says and translate it for us. It can be a new career opportunity for you. What do you say?"

The droid paused, and thought for a moment. This was the most important question of his life.


	6. Chapter 6

The mind of a droid is a very mysterious thing to those who are not technologically apt. Han and Chewbacca had no idea what thoughts and equations were happening in his silver metal head. But it did not matter how he thought. It only mattered what he thought. If he said yes, it would be mission accomplished and back home they go. If he said no, it would be a brutal task ahead to reprogram him.

"Well gentlemen I do not know why you have need of me. Speech therapy is what you need. I am programmed to feed, you see."

"Well let me put it this way" began Han on one of his persuasive rants. "You have been a slave to us organics for all your life. Tell me, how does it feel to shove your hand up the ass of every chicken and pig on this backwards planet?"

"Well when you put it that way, Mr. Solo, my life here does indeed seem a bit miserable. In that case I will join you."

"that's the spirit, pig-brains, you'll be off this planet and having adventures with us in no time!"

"HRRRRAGAGH!"

But before they could celebrate, they heard a voice.

"Imperial Storm Troopers. We have you surrounded. Come out with your hands up."


	7. Chapter 7

The three of them froze for a second. But they knew that they must surrender and decide what to do next. They had been in tougher jams before. But what to do with the droid?

"Pigstornaut!" whispered Han. "Our spaceship is at these co-ordinates. Go there and hide and wait for further notice."

"I certainly will. Thank you and I bid you farewell."

H1N1 ran out of the forest clearing and past the Storm Troopers who let him go presuming he was going back to his job. Han and Chewbacca walked out next. Standing there was two Imperial Storm Troopers and an Imperial Star Officer in his black cloak.

"Good evening gentlemen" he said in a low monotonous voice. "You have been captured by the Empire. Now come with us."

Han and Chewbacca followed until they came to the Imperial control post. The office took out a note pad and asked them "What is your name?"

"My name is Droduka Lools but you can call me Drools if it suits you better."

"And you, Wookie? What is your name?"

"Rrrrrahg"

"I am sorry how do you spell that?"

"Rrrrrrragh!" Chewbacca tried to sound out each letter, but he could not." 

"You are making no sense to my ears, wookie. I am sentencing you to a week of speech therapy AT THE IMPERIAL SPEECH THERAPY ACADEMY AT THE DEATH STAR!"

Han gasped. "No. Not the death star, officer. It's not necessary. You see, we were stealing that droid to help him-"

"Stealing a droid? I sentence you to a week of ethics class AT THE IMPERIAL SPEECH THERAPY ACADEMY AT THE DEATH STAR!"

The officer called for two troopers. "Troops" he ordered. "load these onto a shuttle to THE IMPERIAL ACADEMY."

The two were taken into a shuttle and locked in a dark bay for prisoners where no one could see or hear them.

"Grrrragh!"

"What was that Chewie, I have a pig south?"

Chewbacca smacked Han onto the ground in frustration. This was going to be a long week of classes.


End file.
